Wednesday 11th February 2015

Spent the morning trying, and failing, to get any sort of extra press coverage for the Winchester performance because ticket sales are still at zero.

Confirmed a lovely venue in Darlington, which ties in nicely with my stand-up slot in the area a day later. I may have been sold the idea of performing at that venue because the venue manager sounded so...lovely on the phone, which is always a dangerous reason to book a show. Confirmed a slot in Harwich, the venue manager for that one insisted I call to chat about it but when I did he just offered me the venue without asking any questions at all, it was all a bit odd.

Had a radio interview with the BBC live on air, I guess the difference between my appearance on the Surrey community station yesterday and the BBC one today was just how much time they can allow for you - the BBC thing was less than 2 minutes.

Drove to Guildford, remarkably hassle-free journey, if a little slow due to traffic. Amazing venue - I've performed there before, it just feels nice. Not one single audience member. Now, this was a real test tonight - we've had a respected and very established PR team (as paid for by the venue) working really hard to plug this show, and Helen has been doing great things too, as she always does. I was everywhere - all over the printed press, online, tweets most hours, the Facebook event was shared by many, I did 2 different radio interviews for it. Tickets were cheap, the product looked likeable. Not one single person. Not one. The venue themselves didn't get it - they were so apologetic, they said that for any sort of comedy they usually get a few regulars in, especially at a fiver a ticket. It was horrible; I was there for an hour an half, with my complimentary drink, playing with my phone, hoping that somebody, just one person, would turn up. I quit my job for this - I spend 8 hours a day booking shows, promoting them, I drive for hours and hours, all in the hope, the desperate, pathetic hope that just one person decides to turn up and watch me shout for an hour and a half.

This isn't working, is it? This is supposed to be my living yet I've made a loss out of my last two shows, the first one - in Bristol, just about scraped my petrol costs as we had 11 people in. What I would have done for an audience of 11 tonight. Nobody owes me anything (apart from my former housemate, she owes me £550 still) - people shouldn't feel pressured to watch a new-ish act on stage, but if nobody takes a risk on anything how will anybody ever get anywhere apart from relying on friends and family? I'm not bitter; I'm just frustrated - Inadequate Man is the show that I feel defines me, this is the one. I just want people to see it. Ignoring the lounge shows, which were readings, I've not had a proper good show for ages - the one in Maldon was the last one I think. The Christmas shows were cancelled all over the UK thanks to poor ticket sales and they died on their arse in Cambridge; this show has had one shaky opener in Bristol, a show to 3 people in London and a no-show in Guildford.

6 hour round trip tonight, for the show not to happen. I drove home in silence, reflecting on things. Maybe the idea of working in a 9-5 job isn't so bad, after all? Regular income, regular communication with other people rather than going mad by myself all day, a routine which allows for things such as eating and sleeping, rather than getting back at 1 in the morning and having a 'deserved beer' and where my dinner is a Ginsters slice whilst driving. There was less pressure when I had a job, because when a show makes a loss - which it inevitably will at some point, it's okay because my wages would cover it. Now when a show makes a loss it's actually coming out of my bank account; this is my living. And then suddenly your focus starts diverting away from the most important aspect of it all - the performance, because you're worried about the finances that are attached to each show.

I'm not angry with anybody; I'm just disappointed with myself that this isn't working out and I'm not sure what to do now. I have good friends, who are desperate for me to succeed. Tonight confirmed that Esther is a really good friend, she was properly there for me tonight. Sounds dramatic, but I'm burning myself out. There's only so many times I can pick myself up again, I think this adventure is probably over.